Loss

It's been more than a month since I posted. Part of the delay was the holidays, then JillyBean and I had plans to visit my parents the first week of January. I had great plans to return in January with lots of things to share but my father died unexpectedly and, well, we're just getting back on track.

Jilly and I had been with my parents for a week. We left their place on Wednesday, Jan. 14, and I called mom when we got to the airport in Dallas where we were making our connection on to Virginia. All was fine. Less than 20 minutes later, as we were about to board our plane, she called to say that my dad died. It was a complete shock. Jilly and I we able to get a flight back to Oklahoma City an hour later. It was a miserable trip but easier than if we were making it from Virginia. Poor Jilly had no clue what was going on. She'd walk by my parents' bedroom, peek in and call for Pa Paw since that's where she last saw him (he was in bed when we left for the airport but they gave each other a goodbye kiss and said "I love you"). In fact, the last thing my dad said to me was to be sure that I take care of "that little girl." It makes me wonder if he knew what was happening to him.

My dad had been living with MS for more than 20 years. He was weak and felt miserable, but he wasn't ever sick. He apparently died of heart failure and we are fairly sure that was brought on by some new medication he was given. Basically he was drugged to death - at least that's our belief. I had always known that my dad wasn't doing well but never really thought that he would die anytime soon.

We buried him at the Santa Fe National Cemetery, which is where my grandfather is buried, where my grandmother will be buried and my aunt will be buried alongside her husband who passed nearly 10 years ago. It was a completely surreal event. As we made our way to New Mexico, mom told me that she had always thought that we'd be making that trip for my 92-year-old grandmother and not my 65-year-old dad. I was a total daddy's girl. As a kid we were extremely close and did a ton together. He taught me to play softball and coached my teams from the time that I was 7 years old until I was a junior in high school. We shared the same love of music and movies. He always took up for me and fought a few battles that he shouldn't have but of which I am eternally grateful.

So in an attempt to keep this from being a completely downer post I will share a memory that I will be sure to remind Jilly about time and time again.

For some reason, Jilly can't get enough of the movie The Polar Express. It was on TV one night before Christmas so I recorded it onto the DVR and she sat through the whole thing with the utmost attention. It's the only thing on TV that holds her attention like that. We watched the silly movie about a half dozen times between that first night and Christmas. My dad had the movie on DVD so on Saturday he and Jilly watched it together. I made chicken and dumplings for dinner and neither of them would join us at the table so we set up TV trays so that they could watch the movie together while eating. Both had at least two bowls of chicken and dumplings. When it was over, Jilly just smiled at my dad then gave him a huge hug and repeated "choo choo" (what she calls the movie) as her way of saying how much she loved the movie. I believe that it was the first time that my dad had watched it as well.

So, now we have the DVD and Jilly can watch it whenever she wants and when it comes on she says Pa Paw, recalling that they watched it together.

It breaks my heart that Jilly won't know her grandfather and that he won't see her grow into a woman, but I treasure the fact that we were there before he died.